Silence and Choices
by Jed52
Summary: Severus loved Lily but his choices made him lose both Lily and his life. Can a final choice redeem him? Oneshot which looks at Severus' silence and life. Written for the classic poetry challenge.


**A/N. Hi! This story has been written for the Classic Poetry Challenge. Hope you like it! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not any of it.**

**_And his dark secret love_**

**_Does thy life destroy_**

**_William Blake_**

**_***_**

_**1976, fifth year, summer.**_

"Sev enough!" Lily's eyes blazed as she spat the last words.

"Lily..." Severus ran awkwardly after her to keep up with her fast steps, "Listen to me... I'm sorry! I really didn't mean it." His eyes pleaded for hers to look at him with the familiar affection.

"What didn't you mean, Sev?" Lily's nearly screamed, "That I'm not good enough for you? That I'm a..." she struggled for the words, "A Mudblood?" She paused to see the pain etch permanently in his features.

His voice came out as softly as a whisper tinted with regret, "I.. I didn't mean... It just came out... in front of everyone... of that Potter."

She scoffed at James Potter's name, "Don't bring him in all this Sev! _He_ was protecting me when your Death-Eater friends were constantly insulting me... _He_ was who going to hex you for calling me that." She saw his eyes narrow at her praise for Potter.

Severus paced the floor and held his wand tightly, "That's it, isn't it? It's not about the company I keep but about that Potter. He's finally cracked you, hasn't he?" His voice was filled with contempt and fear. A fear that had inhabited him for years: that one day she would choose James Potter over him.

She looked at him incredulously but still continued, "Don't use excuses anymore Sev. Don't use James to shield you from the problem. Today was the reflection of the last five years. Time which you have chosen to spend with people like Avery and Mulciber... Where you've learnt God knows what, time where I've seen you hex people for the sheer fun of it..." Her voice had dropped to bare whisper too and it seemed that it was the only thing that tied her to Severus now: the realisation that their paths had diverged far too much to meet again.

Severus knew instantly to what she was referring and defended himself, "It's not that bad magic, Lily." Severus couldn't understand why she wasn't understanding him. A witch of her talent would go far with such powers.

"Oh so it's Christmas magic that's going to conjure cookies out of thin air?" She retorted.

"You'll never understand it, Lily! You're far too busy moralising me to see. Lils," And Severus' eye glinted, "I can make a wand do _whatever_ you want!"

Lily instead stared at him for some long seconds and finally replied, ''Enough, Severus. Seeing you indulge in all that was bad enough, I would rather not hear you gush about your first love."

She set to walking to the Great Hall when he grabbed her wrist. He searched for his Lily in her and sighed, "Lily, forgive me, please? Can't we just forget this and be like before?"

He stared at her with such intensity it would have made her blush under normal circumstances. Lily could have forgotten everything and in one moment of weakness she nearly did. But he had ruined everything with his own hands. How could they act like nothing had happened? The fact that he had thought of that word showed how much he had changed. And he still hoped after everything!

She replied but her voice was flat, "I'm tired Sev... I really am. I can't continue when you are... Severus, I don't ever want to speak to you again. I'm sure you and your 'friends' you will like that."

Severus let go of her wrist. She gave him a last glance and ran to the Griffindor Tower. He stood there amongst the students who were streaming by him and flooding him in the crowd. It took time to sink in that their friendship was over. It wasn't because of her words but the way she had said them. She had given up on him.

*******

_**1977, sixth year, winter.**_

Severus was immersed in his copy of the _Practical Potioneer_ when Mulciber and Avery sat next to him. They were in a secluded corner of the already dark Slytherin common room and the sinking of cushions awakened Severus. He nodded to the newcomers with grim solemnity.

Mulciber came closer and whispered, "I have sources which have confirmed to me that the Dark Lord will be recruiting seventh years," He wore a sly grin but then with the smirk permanently stuck to his sharp features, it all led to an evil glint to his tall frame.

"Only one year left then..." mused Severus. One year till he would have the chance to meet he who had immersed the world in an era of fear. And one year since he had had a proper conversation with...

"And that same source is telling me that the Dark Lord has already heard about you Snape. They say that he wants to meet you as soon as possible," Mulciber pulled Severus out of his thoughts.

Mulciber couldn't deny that he was jealous over Snape's growing popularity in the Dark circle. The boy had truly grown out and in front of him was a young man. Severus was surely sixteen years old but the last years had toughened him. His black hair, though still greasy, had grown beyond his shoulders. His build was still lanky but all the hours of dueling had made him more imposing. There was in his face a premature experience of life.

Somehow Severus had expected it. His whole life had revolved to moments like this where he had finally been integrated into something great. He had certainly worked towards it during the last five years but in his sixth year, with no Lily to be his guardian, he had nothing to hold him to his older memories or perhaps to the future that could have been his. He thought that if he became a powerful wizard, she would understand what he had been working for and would come back at him. And he surely was achieving what no one in the school would ever he able to. He held in his hand such spells that no would could dare pronounce.

Severus smiled faintly at the idea of hexing Potter, shut his book and finally said, "I've found a very useful books on non-verbal spells in the restricted section. Sneaked it of course. Want to have a look at it?" He searched for his companions' answers and to their nodding they left the common room in deafening silence.

*******

_**1978, seventh year, summer.**_

Severus Snape felt a pang in his heart. It was a familiar pang. The bittersweet one where he knew that one side of him, the innocent one would be lost in just moments. An innocent side of him which had taken the form of a friendship.

Lily. She sat at the Gryffindor table for the feast with her thick mane of red hair clearly visible among the mass of heads. She was laughing and he wanted to burn into his mind that glorious sound which had edged him out of his gloomy days at Spinner's End. She was surrounded by all her friends for their last meal ever at Hogwarts. Her eyes shone brightly but they shone for someone else. They beckoned someone else to look back at her: the young man with messy black hair. James Potter looked back at her and they locked their hands together with an ease that Snape could not but be jealous of. He still wondered how she could ever have dated that prat for nearly a year now. What could have changed her feelings? What could have made the Lily who despised Potter change into a Lily who gazed at Potter with such intensity? He would never understand it. Still, he couldn't stop himself from looking at her. But then he had never managed to stop looking at her ever since the playground incident. She was alive. Unlike him, she was truly vibrant.

Nothing had worked out in the end. She had refused to talk to him since their conversation after the incident by the lake unless she was obliged to. The Slug Club parties had come as a boon to him during two years. He knew that she still cared for him in some way. But she made sure she was discreet about it. It really was small things: the occasional glance at him during meal times, scalding looks to Potter when his plans of hexing Severus reached her ear, or when she secretly came to visit him at the Hospital Wing after a duel had ended badly. He remembered the last one specially. The Soaring Flames curse thrown at him had been particularly effective and he had burned himself while counter-acting it with a Freezing spell. On his hospital bed, he had closed his eyes and was reliving the duel when he heard shifting steps. He had opened his eyes just wide enough to notice Lily sneak past Madam Pomfrey and come to him. Just as fast, he had faked sleeping so that she would stay longer and he would enjoy her presence. For it was thinking that he was indeed sleeping that had made her approach him and gently graze his face with her fingertips for the softest touch. His heartbeats had been thundering but the idea that she still _cared_ was the best feeling in the world. However, he would be losing all that in just one day. Tomorrow would be their last day at Hogwarts and a whole new world was awaiting for them outside. Knowing her she was likely to become an Auror. An inconvenient situation for him since Aurors and Death Eaters weren't exactly best buddies.

What he didn't know though was that a sad smile had adorned her face when she had looked at him one last time during that same meal.

*******

_**1979**_

"_Avada Kedavra_!" shouted one man in long black robes.

The curse missed Frank Longbottom by just one inch before another curse headed towards him. On the spur on the moment he sent the Death Eater a Petrifying spell, went for cover and saw another Death Eater duelling with Fineas Jones and two with Sirius Black. Curses were flying everywhere and shouts reverberated strongly in the dark alley. They had been ambushed on one of their patrols! Someone had tipped them off or rather someone had betrayed them. He sent a message to the Order for help but how long could they resist when Death Eaters were coming from everywhere? Three more had Apparated and Fineas could only handle two at a time.

What nobody had realised though was that while they were duelling, someone else was waiting in the shadows to make his entrance and tip the balance finally in his favour. Severus watched the action in silence. He knew that it would be difficult to overcome Frank and Sirius and that was why he had come up with the ambush idea. _Just moments now,_ he thought when he suddenly heard four loud cracks. His eyes shot to the intrusion and realised that Frank had managed to send for help. Severus recognised Remus Lupin, Gwendoline Rogers and the distinctive messy hair of James Potter. Just seeing James would have sent him to the battle but he needed to see who was the fourth Order member when a flash of red drew his attention: it was Lily.

Severus feet froze right there as he had not seen her for now a year. Every curse, duel, plan and voice evaporated when he saw her duelling. She was certainly good at it and he drank in her glimpses for the tiniest of seconds. Until he saw that she was running to Potter.

The action went slowly or perhaps it was so because Severus was concentrating on her. Lily was duelling with Potter against Dolohov with her back to everyone else and Avery was now subtly marching up to her. Severus knew what it meant and he ran out of the shadow. "NO!" he bellowed.

Lily turned and surely recognised him for she was stunned. Soon she realised what Avery was up to but her reaction was not quick enough and a jet of red light was flying straight to her.

"_Circium Protego_!" Severus shouted again.

The curse struck loudly against an invisible bubble around her and disappeared without even coming within inches of her. In fact, every other curse was unable to touch her due to the protective circle Severus had built around her. Relieved, he took in a shuddering breath but was still unable to move.

The battle had stopped for infinitesimal moments. Everyone was absorbed in what had happened during the previous minutes. Yet, those calm seconds were enough for Sirius and James to surround Lily in an additional protective circle and take the advantage. It was clear that it was time to retreat. Dolohov threw Severus a scornful glance and it was sign for the Death Eaters to leave.

"Snape!" shouted Avery as he grasped the arm of the frozen Severus. They Disapparated but not before Severus saw a pair of green almond-shaped eyes widen in shock and heard a soft voice murmur his name.

*******

_**1980**_

It was a cold night in Hogsmeade and the chill was even more biting in Hog's Head. Severus knew it was risky for him to be there but an informer had told him to meet there. At least this was better than the Three Broomsticks in terms of anonymity. His cloak covered him from head to toe so no-one recognised him as he came in and sat down in the darkest corner. There none would see him waiting.

Time went by quickly when again the door creaked open to reveal the most unexpected person. Professor Albus Dumbledore stood in Hog's Head, tall and wise, his bright blue eyes gleaming in the unnatural gloom of the Inn.

_Could he know that I'm here? _Severus thought as fear gripped him. He reached for his wand and pulled his cloak further down to hide his presence. His fear was, however, dissipated as Dumbledore walked to a table where a woman sat with several shawls around her. She wore glasses which made her eyes appear as big as quaffles.

"Good afternoon, Sybill." Dumbledore said pleasantly. "I believe this a most charming place to meet," he teased her.

The woman, was obviously nervous and she fumbled before she found the words she was looking for, "Oh, Professor Dumbledore! Good afternoon. Thank you for meeting me." She had a musical and mystical voice.

They sat down and Severus, who found the fact that Dumbledore could even be in Hog's Head was something to be followed and listened to their conversation. He gathered that it was after all nothing special except an interview in an unusual location for the post of Divination teacher. Sybill Trelawney clearly had no talent in Divination and Dumbledore told her in his usual pleasant manner that she was not adequate for the post when she suddenly stood up. Severus had to come out of his corner to listen. Her voice came out roughly: "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies..."

Severus would have listened to everything she was saying but strong hands had suddenly grabbed his arms. Panic emerged and he tried to wring them out but the barman was far too strong for him; he was unable to get his wand from his robes. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING HERE?! None you bunch is allowed in here!" shouted the barman.

Upon hearing the ruckus, Dumbledore's attention had also turned to the eavesdropper and when he saw the young man's face, he didn't stop anyone from throwing him outside. New matters had surfaced. Others would need protection and he needed to inform them of the impending danger. So when Severus Disapparated as soon as his face was revealed, Dumbledore let him go.

In another scene, Severus could not believe what he had heard... A prophesy. Thoughts raced in his mind. He had... he had to tell the Dark Lord about it.

*******

_**1981**_

"NO!" Severus shouted! "NO! NO!" He fell to his knees and tears overflowed from his already red, puffy eyes. "Not her... NO! Oh God, no not her..."

Images flashed to his mind: Lily, _his_ Lily laughing on a swing, talking to him, eyes warm and brilliant.. His Lily _alive_.

He had pleaded to Voldemort to let her live. He had pleaded and cried for her to stay alive and now she was... He couldn't even get the idea in his mind....

His Lily _dead_...

He didn't know what to feel for he was now empty inside. All he wanted to do was to go back to a time where this war didn't exist and he didn't have to betray her. A world where she was still alive even if that meant for him not to be in that world together with her. There was now nothing, absolutely nothing left for him now. Everything was useless and worthless. Even his existence.

Dumbledore instead stared at the mourning man. "Her child lives. The same child whom you pleaded to give away in exchange for the mother," he said, his voice sharp.

"The child needs to be protected," Dumbledore continued solemnly. His blue eyes were unreadable. No one would have been able to discern what they thought of the crying man. Was he trustworthy? Had he really left Voldemort? These questions lay unanswered. But before Severus could say anything, Dumbledore continued, "Voldemort will be back Severus. I know that much I can assure you."

Severus, however, didn't know what he could do. To be honest, he didn't even care.

"Help me protect her son, Severus," said Dumbledore. "He has exactly her eyes. Do you remember Lily's eyes, Severus?" He finished.

Severus looked up from his anguish, "Do not taunt me, Dumbledore. I'm a tortured man enough." But he did remember how her eyes were. Of a bright green colour and almond-shaped. How could he ever forget that? The thought ripped a new scar in him. _The exact same eyes... Potter's child.... No... Lily's son. Her only memento._

He thought of Lily when they were children and of all the years that had shaped their relationship. From their friendship to their distance, of every smile and argument, of every tear and pain, of her hopes and happiness. A strange feeling of courage coursed through him and he realised that it was the same courage she had shown in death. Maybe she had left that for him and he knew that he would continue what she had started: he would protect her son. Tears still streaming down his cheeks, he stared straight into Dumbledore's unwavering gaze and said, "What do you want me to do?"

*******

**There! That was my interpretation of the events concerning Snape, Lily and Dumbledore :P I'm always intrigued with Snape, Lily and the Marauders. There's so much to imagine and write about them! Please review-reviews make my day :D**


End file.
